Saturday, February 12, 2011


Struggling in pain,
Efforts in vain,
Feeling Strangled,
Life's entangled..

Wanna break free,
Wanna start up new,
Passion awaits its way,
Depression has to go far away!

A ray in darkness,
is what i seek..
I feel so dead
When i speak!

Gimme the strength
to follow my dreams,
Renew my soul...
thts the only way to SUCCEED!


From Craponomics said...

Comment a bit long but read fully or delete it completely, as having a half go through cannot explain my views

Start to the poem with “struggling in pain” shows quite ongoing status of an journey towards an objective which is well defined. Efforts to be in vain is a judgemental conclusion as nothing is in vain, its rather a permutation combination of level needed and obliged attempt. I would specifically ask this QUESTION about the fourth line in 1st para.. Is it “Life is entangled” or “Life’s entangled”? Would like u to elaborate if u dont mind.
Passion can be defined as an emotional application to a very strong feeling. Dont know whether you are getting me, but passion is rather a unconditional application at the highest level of performance, its when u reach the top(or in process), passion to perform arises. I am very sorry, but if you go through or use word “passion”, then basically it never has to wait. As there is no flow of passion, its just there or completely absent. Hope you get what i am saying as it is very difficult to explain. PASSION CANNOT HAVE ANY NEXUS WITH DEPRESSION, whether depression is to stay or its to be thrown away, i hope you get me. Replacing “passion” with your poetic skill would be admired.
COMING BACK TO THE POEM AND THE FLOW its far much bottlenecked again at the third para, as a spirit to fight out is displayed in the previous(2nd para) and then again “feel so dead” is again narrating a struggle which started in the starting verses i.e. 1st para.
JUST CONSIDER YOUR POEM WITHOUT THE 3RD PARA, and you will find a superb curve. As your opening para is well directed, then comes the intent or a strong Desire to throw yourself out of the said condition or circumstance(i.e. 2nd para), And then go directly to 4th skipping the 3rd one between, you have made a superb end to the poem with that 4 th para.
Good luck, and thanks if you have read it fully.

craponomics said...

P.S.: Poem is good, considera bit of the above said alterations,there is potential for hit......

rohit said...

Hey nice one, very much magnetism pulling from sad to happy or rather motivating. Ya n agree wid dis craponomics fellow to the extent of 3rd para. And obviously abt the "Life's entangled" or "Life is entangled"..Still lot motivating, keep going, post more.

Payal forever said...

@Craponomics: yep the comment is indeed too long.. lemme try answering ur questions...
First, the pain which i m talkin about is due to efforts, which i feel, hv gone all waste... Any normal human being who doesnt get a positive result or result as expected by him, will tend to say my efforts hv gone in vain.. all fruitless.. i hope u get this..

Secondly, Life's entangled.. i would like to draw your attention to the aposthrophe i hv used here!

Passion is victory what i am talking about here.. its abstract not to b taken literally... usually poems have alot of abstracts that you need to relate with the purpose of the poem..

3rd para shows once again the struggle to move ahead.. In the 2nd para i want to re-live and in the 3rd para i m still being pulled.. and hence the 4th para where i ask the superpower abov me for strength and to renew my dead soul..

Hope i answer your questions!!


crapo said...

Ya nicely answered! Ur poem, u stand by ur flow thts very good. Except for the one issue tht still bothers i.e. Life's entangled, thts like mass twisted in together causin uncomfort.Using aposthrophe would remove "d" from entangle. Or put "is" in between.

crapo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anand M. said...

Hey nice poem Payal Forever!!
Seriously gud thot.I Think craponomics seeks kina empirical flow in poem. U justified rightly, the Unconventional way. Hey onlything abt tht "Life's entangled" be "life's entangle"..VERY NICE, KEEP GOING POST MORE OFTEN.

Payal forever said...

@ Rohit: Thnks a lot.. motivation was the soul purpose!!.. Feels gud :-)

@ Crapo: Thnks!.. Life's Entangle is under consideration...

@ Anand: Thnks a lot.. Appreciation is the best motivation!! Will post a few more soon!